Metamorphosis

I was fat kid, but a slim teenager and young adult. At 52, I've spent the majority of my life fat.

I started a journey to self-acceptance about six years ago. After a lifetime of yo-yo dieting and the accompanying depression, I was exhausted; I could no longer continue the self-abuse. I knew that regardless of whether I lost weight or not I needed to make friends with me, fat and all.

At that point, I actively worked at loving all of me. It took me quite a while to go from intellectually accepting myself to emotionally accepting myself.

The ultimate transformation took place two summers ago when I was sitting under a rock ledge in the Canyonlands of Utah. I had traveled there with friends, and I had spent my week proving that I could physically keep up with the rest of them. Finally tuckered out I let them go on another hike without me. I scrambled up a hill and sat under a ledge. I could hear and see everyone beneath me. I felt like an animal. I became so quiet, birds started landing on the bush in front of me. I was so at peace, so content. I realized then that I had been trying to prove to myself and others that this old fat lady could do anything. I was so focused on physical feats that I almost missed out on the beauty that surrounded me. I knew then that I could finally accept myself, including limitations, with genuine love.

This journey to self-acceptance is still somewhat rocky for me. For example, I wish my body could move a little better and my joints hurt a little less, but whenever I find myself falling into old patterns of thought, I remind myself of that beautiful moment.